THE CULTURE GYRE 

12/25/23

BY: IAN SHERRY

     I am Scrooge (in the Groot voice). I don’t like Marvel movies, nor do I like Christmas music. One of the most hotly contested seasonal debates, I always take the side of grumpy opposition, and I have reasons. While I plan to lay them out in an organized fashion momentarily, I have one question for fans of this genre: Do you truly believe, in your merry little hearts, that ‘jingle bells’ are both a tolerable instrument and viable lyric? If so, you're wrong, but allow me to further provide reasons to shut off the radio.

     I’d like to begin with the disclaimer that there are some acceptable occasions. For instance, you can listen to Christmas music to put you in the so-called spirit within 72 hours of the big day, the same way you listen to a sweatily angsty R&B song to get you in a romantic mood or an mind-numbingly bland Mac DeMarco song to go to sleep. However, it is absolutely required that, somewhere in the back of your mind, you are open to the fact that a creatively negative adjective must accompany your cheer-filled opinion of a given song. Unfortunately, many ignore that requirement. 

 

     Backtracking: Genres have a traceable and consistent formation process. I’d describe them as ⅓ influence, ⅓ innovation, and ⅓ capitalism. It starts with an artist or group of artists that are influenced by the sound around them. This could be what they’re raised on, what they come to love, or what they’ve grown to despise. As a result, they’re inspired to put their own spin on it, innovation. Once these two key ingredients come together and a new sound is born, capitalism takes care of the rest, packaging and selling their art to the public in droves until a new genre is born. It’s a symbiotic process that combines the beauty of creativity with the necessity of money. Christmas music is certainly a genre, however, it’s unique in its formation. 

     Holidays are rooted in tradition. Tradition is a powerful binding factor. It brings together generations, races, nations; whatever the division, if there’s a shared tradition, there’s a bridge. Because it is such an obviously powerful social phenomenon, money-makers worldwide continually seek to take advantage through the most evident and reliable manifestation of our traditions: holidays. America (where I live, if that wasn’t evident) was founded, populated by, and constructed in favor of Christians. Christ-ians are very interested in Christ. So, in this rich Christian-empowered nation, Jesus Christ’s birthday has become more than a religious day or season. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. That goes particularly for those on the production end of our beloved nationwide money-making arrangement. Naturally this means money flowing into the pockets of the producers. That stretches beyond the small businesses, malls, even Amazon. Yes, it stretches to music. Hence Christmas music. Hence this article.

     Christmas music, as a genre, is ¾ capitalism and ¼ everything that’s important to music. Is it morbidly naive to assume all artists who have produced Christmas music are focused solely on selling records? Yes. But, even those whose focus lies elsewhere, like the religious aspect of the holiday or joy of the season, still feed 100% into the powers that be. When Donny Hathaway slipped “This Christmas” into his 1971 self-titled masterpiece that includes “A Song For You,” among other classic tracks, he probably didn't analyze its profit potential. However, 50 years later, it nearly doubled the streams of any other song on the album, by far holding the number on his Spotify page. Is it a good song? Sure, by Christmas standards. It flourishes big horns at the beginning, before settling into a loungey early 70s groove fronted by one of the purest vocalists of his era, and it’s supported by poppy drums and a piano solo. However, sitting at the end of one of the most emotionally raw, underrated, and era-defining albums of all time, the source of its popularity (October-December) is all too evident.

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     I won’t pretend it's a realistic expectation that an artist’s best music would be Christmas songs, and it’s no mystery why those songs are so popular, but what bothers me most about Christmas music is that, the majority at least, is bad. Unlike my previous set of mostly surface level market-based connections, this phenomenon is more complicated.

     It all starts with identity. Good music, in every single case, is infused with the artist’s identity. The lack of identity deprives the art of something that, although it may be hard to describe, gives the audience something to attach to. A good, and incidentally similar, example is Christian rock or rap. The artist is so focused on passing the religious identity and putting their faith/faith figure in the forefront, it seems they forget to be themselves. The fact is, your art has to come from you, otherwise it isn’t yours, otherwise it’s not art. Jesus didn’t make “God’s Not Dead (Like A Lion)” by the Newsboys (the first Christian Rock song that popped up on Google). He might’ve made What’s Going On, but he didn’t make that .

     Pardon my digression. Because identity is so essential to art, artists who have it go further, even if that identity is the embodiment of the mainstream (Taylor Swift). However, the American Christmas has a very strong identity as well. It has its own themes, schemes, even classics. For an artist to enter this space, they often feel the weight of this identity, and the pressure to adopt it. A Christmas album by any artist, we can use Taylor Swift, is sure to have multiple if not all covers. The Taylor Swift Holiday Collection (2008) is four Christmas classics with two Swift originals mixed in. Her originals play as average 2000s Taylor Swift songs, basic structure with an emphasis on the vocals and lyrics that cover the different angles of a past relationship, but wait, It’s also Christmas! This is common in original Christmas songs, the artist attempts to bring Christmas into their world, their sound, but it often takes over and the focus of the song settles in no-(wo)man's-land. What interests me more is the covers. There have been a select group of original songs over the years that struck gold. Someone wrote “Jingle Bells”. That select group has been covered relentlessly and will continue to be every December forever. 

     Very recently (January 2, 2023), some awfully wise individual wrote that ‘When done well, cover artists pay homage to the original song while offering their own spin or twist.’ I believe the problem with Christmas covers is this: there are absolutely no faces or names to the original songs anymore and absolutely no pressure to do something significantly individualistic with your own version. Cher’s Christmas is doing quite well this year. She brought in Stevie Wonder, Darlene Love, Michael Bublé, Cyndi Lauper, and of course, Tyga. In a recent interview, she claimed that “It's not your mother’s Christmas album”. I listened (yes, I listened), and I can confirm that it is indeed your mother’s Christmas album. Not my mother, she has great taste. It’s a lot like any other Christmas album, lot’s of jingles, choruses, and opportunities for my cynical eyes to roll. The most unique thing about Cher’s album: the volume. She’s pretty loud. Despite mistakenly naming the album ‘Christmas,’ instead of ‘Cher’s Seasonal Exercise In Mediocrity,’ her fun little features and reliance on the classics will serve her mightily and buy her truckloads more of those sparkly jeans (edgy) she’s wearing on the cover. That’s the formula, plenty of covers, a few originals folks can skip, and an angle for sales. Cher knows it, her label does, the radio does, and if you’re honest, you do too.

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     As I’ve alluded to (or maybe I haven’t, I never read these things back), not all Christmas music is bad, the concept just sets its participants up for failure. Few can overcome it, but as I ease towards a conclusion allow me to be momentarily positive.

     I would be remisced (hunted down) if I didn’t bring up Mariah Carey. When you look up Carey on google, aka The Queen Of Christmas, snowflakes fall down your screen. No joke. She completely dominates the season, and I can’t lie, I do enjoy this part. Here’s why she’s been so successful. Mariah Carey came up in a unique pop landscape. As hip-hop and pop collided, lots of effort went into blurring the lines. This era birthed trend after trend. Saggy jeans were sported by rappers emphasizing their streetness and r&b divas (Carey included) straddling the lines of sexy and cool. With the trends came pressures to be adaptable. Carey’s adaptability led to hit after hit. R&b, pop, hip-hop features, you name it, she nailed it. However, Mariah Carey didn’t define the era, it defined her. She embodied it, she took its identity on as her own. So, come December every year, she does the same with Christmas, and she does it better than anyone else. Mariah Carey was the 2000s and Mariah Carey is Christmas. 

     Unfortunately for this seasonal genre, nobody can quite do what Mariah Carey does. There are other success stories in which an artist successfully strikes a balance. The Temptations were able to apply enough of their own identity on “Silent Night” and Stevie Wonder’s “Someday At Christmas” is popular because of how it repackages his social justice lens to fit the holidays. But, at the end of the day, they can’t touch “Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone” or “Love’s In Need Of Love Today”. The balance isn’t sustainable.

 

     Here’s what I suggest in place of Christmas music: music at Christmas. Someone close to me insists that their favorite song is a Christmas song despite its complete lack of thematic relevance. I whole-heartedly agree. FKJ’s “Die With A Smile” is a perfect exercise in sonic minimalism. It mesmerizes the listener with a lonely guitar, the occasional snare, synths, and an amplified bass drum. The vocalist repeats one line a few times, and creates a warm environment that no audience could resist. It’s my favorite Genius page ever and I use it to tune my speakers, but what I love most about it is the tone and minimalism which allow it to mean whatever you want it to. To this person it means warmth, joy, and memories. It means Christmas. 

 

Merry Christmas! 

-The Culture Gyre